Just Breathe
by malinab32
Summary: Kendall has a serious illness he's been keeping a secret from his friends and family. When he goes on a world tour and his condition worsens will he be forced to give up performing and leave Big Time Rush forever? T for mild language, themes. [KAMES]
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Instead of torturing James, which is what I originally planned to do, I thought we'd give him a break and torture Kendall instead. *Rubs hands together and cackles evilly*. R&R!**

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Just Breathe

"I. Am. So. Excited!" Carlos shouted from in the swirly slide. Big Time Rush was going on their first world tour and the boys were packing, a hurricane of clothes and Cuda products strewn about the living room.

Logan grunted, jumping on top of his suitcase while James attempted to zip the overfilled bag.

"Jeez Logan, what do you have in this thing, Chemistry books?" James huffed, pulling at the zipper.

"I can't fall behind on school, James." Logan explained, sitting cross-legged on the suitcase. "You're being awfully quiet Kendall, you okay?"

The blond was packing his stuff, his eyes glazed over and trying to hold in his coughing fit. "Yeah." He cleared his throat. "I think I'm coming down with a cold. I'll be fine." Kendall got up and casually made his way to the bathroom, feeling three sets of eyes on his back. Once he was in the small room, he allowed himself to cough his lungs out, his hands over his mouth. He pulled them away, frowning at the small pool of blood. Kendall washed his hands and made his way back out to the living room, pausing before turning around the corner.

"Do you think he's okay?" Logan whispered to no one in particular.

Carlos poked his head out of Swirly. "What if we have to cancel the tour? What if he dies?!"

James rolled his eyes, "I'm sure Kendall's fine, he's probably just got a cold like he said." Although inside the pretty boy was worried about his friend. Kendall had been really quiet this past week, not devising any schemes or hanging out at the pool. He hadn't even gone to practice at Rocque Records. Gustavo had to be in on whatever was going on though because he didn't say a word about the hockey player.

Kendall wandering out into the main room where all of his friends were, trying to pretend he hadn't just heard their conversation. He thought it was nice of his friends to be worried about him but he really wished they wouldn't get involved. He would be fine. Really.

"Hey, buddy. Why don't you take it easy for a little bit, I'll pack your stuff." James offered, zipping up Logan's suitcase and moving over to Kendall's.

The blond felt too exhausted to even argue. He just nodded, lying down on the orange couch. His skin was paler than usual and a sheen of sweat covered his face. Dark circles made their permanent home under his eyes recently as Kendall was up all night tossing and turning. He really wasn't okay and he knew that. But Kendall _hated _doctors. He didn't want to find out he had some weird, terminal illness. SO he went along believing that he was perfectly healthy despite his serious symptoms.

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It was finally here. The day the boys left for their world tour. Carlos was bouncing up and down with excitement, James combing his hair with his lucky comb and Logan biting his lip nervously. They boarded the jumbo jet, Gustavo actually paying for their first class tickets to which they bowed down in gratefulness. Kendall leaned against James' shoulder, fading in and out of consciousness. The only thing that kept him upright was James' arm around his shoulder and the noise of the airport. Once they were seated, Kendall fell asleep almost immediately.

A few hours into the flight the blond woke up to a coughing fit. James thrust the water bottle he had brought toward his friend nervously, Kendall waving him away. When he finally calmed down, his face was bright red from lack of air and he could feel the blood in his hand. He excused himself to the restroom, washing his hands and returning to his seat, prepared for questioning from James.

"Dude, you sure you okay? We can get on the next flight home, get you to a doctor." James offered. He was thrilled to be going on an actual world tour but if Kendall was sick then that was more important.

"I'm fine," Kendall replied sleepily, slouching against his new favorite spot – James' shoulder. "Wake me up when we get there."

James waiting until the blond was asleep before looking across the aisle to Carlos and Logan who were arguing about whether a dinosaur or a robot would win in a battle. "Guys!" He whispered, distracting the two shorter boys from their argument. "I think there's something seriously wrong with Kendall. He's been sleeping all the time and he keeps having coughing fits."

Logan frowned, "Is he coughing up anything?" He went into doctor mode immediately.

"Not that I know of." James commented, suddenly becoming suspicious of Kendall's frequent visits to the bathroom after coughing. "I'll find out next time it happens." He replied, turning back to the TV screen in front of him. He picked at his nails nervously. Something told him that Kendall wasn't okay.

When the blond woke up again, they had arrived in their first destination – London. While the three suggested they look around, Kendall, who stood up dizzily grabbing onto a pole, said that he would meet them back at the hotel.

"Wait! I'll go with you." James offered, sending a secret glance to Logan who nodded in affirmation.

Kendall knew he couldn't argue with James. The teen was just about as stubborn as him.

He let James lead him back to the hotel where Kendall collapsed on the bed. "I'm so exhausted."

James made a face. "Kendall, you've slept the entire flight here. I really think you need to see a doctor."

Kendall cringed at the word doctor. "I'm fine, I just need to rest. It's probably the time change. Jet lag and all that." His words faded as the blond dozed off into yet another unrestful sleep.

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**A/N: Ooh. What do you guys think is wrong with Kendall? Leave your guesses in the reviews! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Oh my Gosh, you guys. I did not expect that much support for this silly idea I had! Thank you all so much for the reviews, follows and favorites, I am so grateful! Just for you, here's chapter two ;)**

**Disclaimer: I forgot to say it last chapter, but I don't own anything mentioned here and all typos are my own fault.**

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Just Breathe

James paced the hotel room impatiently as he waited for Kendall to wake up. He decided he was going to have a serious talk with the blond about this whole 'doctor' thing. No friend of his was dying on their world tour.

"Mom?" Kendall groaned, rolling over on the queen bed. James walked over to his friend and shook his shoulder roughly.

"Kendall, wake up." James was beyond worried now. Kendall had done nothing but sleep for almost the past twenty-four hours. Something about this just didn't seem like a typical cold or flu.

Kendall groaned again but sat up rubbing his bloodshot eyes, "What is it James?"

The pretty boy sat cross-legged on the bed next to Kendall. "I think you need to go to the doctor."

"No. Nope. Not having this conversation with you." Kendall tossed the covers aside, standing up and grabbing the bed frame for support immediately. James gave him a bitchface. "I'm just dizzy! Got up too fast, probably." He walked toward the refrigerator to get a drink.

James followed him. "Kendall, this is serious! You're worrying me."

A pair of sarcastic green eyes rolled in response, "You worry about everything." It was true. James was a bit of a drama queen and even he himself knew it.

"I'm sorry that I'm concerned for my best friend's well-being!" James' voice raised an octave. He grabbed Kendall's shoulder, spinning him around so they were nose-to-nose. "You're going to the doctor and I'm taking you."

Kendall opened his mouth to argue but began coughing again, his hands tightly clamped around his mouth. James looked at him quizzically. What was he hiding? The blond took his hands away from his mouth and winced, still trying to catch his breath.

James caught his friend's hand and gasped at the pool of blood. He looked up at Kendall who smiled nervously. "Kendall, why didn't you tell someone? This is serious! I'm calling Logan."

The brunette turned to walk away but Kendall caught his arm. "Please don't tell Logan. At least, not yet. He'll freak out. This might just be a cold, I don't know." He admitted, practically on his knees begging James.

"Fine. But if this gets any worse, you tell me immediately." James crossed his arms stubbornly.

Kendall sighed, "Okay, I promise."

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Carlos held his corn dog in one hand and his phone in the other, taking pictures of the same thing over and over, "This is awesome!"

Logan bit his lip. "How can you be having fun when Kendall's sick?" He scolded.

The helmet-wearing boy frowned. He lowered his head, "You're right. We should go see him!"

Logan agreed, ready to diagnose Kendall. He went through a list of all the things a persisting cough could be a sign of and they varied from harmless to incredibly harmful. It wasn't very comforting for the aspiring doctor.

As they made their way back to the hotel room, Logan pulled out his phone and sent a quick text:

To: James

From: Logan

Text Message: Hey, did you find anything else out about Kendall?

He sent the message and slipped his phone back into his pocket, eagerly awaiting the reply.

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James looked down at his phone, debating who to keep his word for. He promised Kendall he wouldn't tell Logan that he was coughing up blood but he promised Logan he'd find out. He did promise Logan first though.

To: Logan

From: James

Text Message: He's coughing up blood. Not sure what that means. Don't tell Ken I told you.

He deleted the thread of texts immediately, not wanting this blond to find out he had betrayed him. James felt bad but relieved at the same time. He knew Logan would take care of his friend, Kendall would be okay. James debated looking up Kendall's symptoms online but he knew that would only lead to more anxiety on his part. For now, all he could do was wait.

When Logan and Carlos arrived back at the hotel, Kendall was asleep again and James was pacing. Again. Logan had filled Carlos in about what was going on during the ride home and the Latino was convinced Kendall was on death row.

"Logan said it could be deadly!" He shouted to James, wincing when the blond stirred in his sleep.

James' eyes widened, "What?!" He whispered furiously. "Deadly?"

Logan frowned. "I didn't necessarily say that. I said there are a lot of different things that coughing up blood can mean ranging from a bad cold to…well, lung cancer."

"Lung cancer? Why would Kendall have lung cancer? He doesn't smoke!" James' voice got louder now. Did Kendall smoke? He was freaking out.

Doctor Logan rolled his eyes. "I didn't say he had lung cancer, I said it was a possibility. You can get it from just being around someone who smokes, James. Like his father."

They all knew Kendall's dad pretty well before he left when Kendall was ten. The man was a drunk, hardly ever sober. He popped pills like pez out of the dispenser and smoked more than a chimney. He wasn't the healthiest man for a kid to grow up around. Or a woman to be pregnant around. Mrs. Knight was pregnant with Katie at the time, which is why Logan often wondered how she turned out better than okay.

James frowned, "You can't tell Kendall I told you. I promised him I wouldn't until he went to the doctor with me to find out what was going on for sure."

Logan and Carlos nodded in sync. "Our lips are sealed." Carlos promised with a faltering smile.

Though the three moved on with their day like any other, there was an air of worry flitting about the hotel room, one thought on all their minds. Lung cancer.

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**A/N: Dun. Dun. Dun. Do you guys think Kendall has lung cancer or is he just sick? Review your guesses for next time!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I really have nothing to say other than thank you to all of those out there who continue to support this story with your reviews, favorites and follows!**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything mentioned.**

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Just Breathe

James had finally managed to drag Kendall to the doctor around noon the next day but not without incessant complaining from the blond. The two sat in the waiting room watching the medium sized flat screen mounted on the wall.

"Kendall, stop it." James sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Kendall frowned, "Stop what?"

"Bouncing your leg up and down." James put a hand on Kendall's knee to stop the distracting motion. "I know you're nervous but you're driving me nuts."

The hockey player scoffed. "I'm not nervous." He was lying through his teeth and James could tell. To be honest, they were all nervous. Today they would find out if they were out of the woods or if Kendall was truly sick. At the moment, he just wanted to go home. Being away from his family and having some strange illness wasn't comforting for Kendall at all. Honestly, he wanted his mom to fuss over him and tell him everything was going to be okay.

James squeezed Kendall's knee, "It's gonna be okay, man. Just breathe."

Kendall nodded, giving up on fighting the comfort he was receiving from James. Logan had begged to come with them but Kendall refused. He knew the doctor to be would do nothing but worrying and list possible illnesses and deadly diseases and that would do no good in calming down Kendall.

"For Kendall Knight?" The British woman called out, poking her head out of the door leading to the hallway that contained the doctor's offices.

Kendall got out of his seat with a grunt, James steadying him when he swayed. "Sorry, I'm just dizzy." He apologized. He knew he was being needy.

"It's fine." James smiled. "Want me to go with you?"

The blond scoffed again and started toward the door. He knew James was following him though and he wasn't going to stop him. "Room 11, the nurse will be right in." The lady informed Kendall who made his way to the room.

It was pure white and smelled of cleaning supplies. There were two chairs, a counter with a sink and supplies, and the bed with the crinkly paper that Kendall hated. The room was far too small and dark, there being no windows and dim lighting.

James sat in the chair, immediately reaching for one of the fashion magazines while Kendall squirmed about on the paper, wincing at the sounds it made every time he moved. He finally gave up and just lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling which was just as blank as the walls.

Several minutes passed as Kendall made sounds of boredom and rolled back and forth. "I'm gonna die. Just accept it. Tell the guys not to touch my stuff or go in that shoebox under my bed."

James looked up from his magazine, rolling his eyes. "You're not going to die. But I'm so looking in the box now." He added, setting the magazine down. "Look, we're going to get through this. All of us will be with you no matter what happens. It could just be a cold, Ken, quit stressing so much. You're making yourself sicker."

Kendall nodded, thinking about what James said. His friends would be with him. He constantly worried he'd do something to lose the guys – it was his only real fear. Without his friends he'd be nothing. More than worrying about dying, he worried about James, Carlos and Logan leaving him to die _alone._

Before he could ponder his thoughts any further, a nurse entered the room. "Sorry for the wait." She had a high pitched voice and curly brown hair which framed her heart shaped face. Her hazel eyes were kind. "I'm Veronica, I'll be your nurse today." She proceeded to ask Kendall the typical questions, height, weight, symptoms ect.

At the comment of coughing up blood, she frowned. "Hmm, that's unusual. The doctor will be here in just a moment to take a look." She got off the spinning stool in front of the counter and left the room promptly, papers flying wildly on the clipboard.

Kendall looked to James with wild eyes, "What's wrong with me?"

James got up, sitting next to Kendall on the bed. "Honestly, I don't know. But you'll be okay." James wasn't sure if Kendall was going to be okay. He just kept saying it, hoping if he spoke the words out loud enough they would become true. The pretty boy was scared to death to lose his best friend – he didn't like seeing Kendall weak. Kendall was the strong one, the leader. He was never vulnerable.

The doctor entered the room and James hopped down, returning to his chair and scanning the magazine with little interest. His focus was on the doctors words.

He watched the typical procedures being performed and Kendall mumble about his symptoms quietly. The doctor sighed, running his hand through his hair. "Honestly, Kendall, it could be a number of things. We're going to send you over to the E.R. for more elaborate testing. I'll leave you to talk with your friend."

The blond was frozen. The E.R.? As in the emergency room? No, no, no, no, no, this was not okay. "James. I'm freaking out!"

James rubbed his eyes, not knowing what else to say. "It's going to be okay – the guys and I will go with you and we won't leave your side the entire time." He got up and clapped Kendall on the shoulder. "You're strong. You're going to get through this, no matter what _this_ is."

Kendall leaned into James' touch, sighing heavily. Right now he wanted nothing more to go to sleep, wake up and have this all be a terrible dream.

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**A/N: Poor Kendall can't catch a break. Comforting James is Comforting. Love me some Kames bromance – can you tell? Today's question (because I like to read your answers) is: What is your guys' favorite font to type in? I like Verdana. Leave your answers in your reviews! **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Oh my gosh you guys! The amount of email alerts I received after post the last chapter was unreal. I love you guys, you're amazing – thank you all so much! As your reward, here's chapter four!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush but the past two nights I've had dreams that we were all homies just chillin' together.**

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Just Breathe

Kendall was scared. He wouldn't admit it, not over his dead body, but he was terrified. He wasn't ready to die; he thought about all the things he still had left to do in life while James drove them to the E.R.. The two finally gave in and simply rented a car, having a feeling they'd be traveling a lot in their time in London. It was nothing fancy, just a simple black car. Kendall sat in the passenger seat, staring out the window as his friend drove to the E.R., the only sound in the car the robotic female voice of the GPS.

James frowned, "Hey, Kenny, you alright?"

Although the blond hated the nickname he didn't feel like arguing. "Yeah I'm fine." He lied through his teeth, keeping his eyes on the scenery.

The pretty boy shook his head, knowing Kendall was lying. "Dude, you can talk to me. I'd be scared too."

Kendall snapped. "I'm not scared!" He shouted, "I'm just worried. What if I die, James? Then what? Do you know what that would do to my mom? What about the band? I can't die, I'm too busy." He crossed his arms, leaning back in the seat. His vision blurred with unshed tears.

James took one hand off the wheel and put it on Kendall's shoulder. "You're _not _going to die because I'm not going to let you. Don't even think like that. Why don't you text Logan and Carlos and tell 'em to meet us there?"

The hockey player took a deep breath which lead to another fit of coughing. He was past being grossed out by the blond – it had been happening for so long now that it was just a part of his life. He pulled out his phone sending a quick text before turning it off. He knew he would be bombarded with questions as soon as the guys heard he was going to the E.R. for unexplained reasons.

James pulled into the parking lot next to a noisy ambulance, trying not to look at who was being put onto the gurney. He hated hospitals just as much as Kendall. They were sad and full of hopelessness and death. He told Kendall he wasn't going to let him die – and he wasn't – but … what if Kendall _did _die? He shook his head, not wanting to even go there. Not with his friend around, anyway.

The two got out of the car and made their way to the waiting room. Thankfully, there was no one with an arm hanging off or a bloody bullet wound; just a few kids with broken limbs and the two teenage boys. Kendall knew they saw patients in terms of how bad their condition was which meant he would probably be seen last. He got as comfortable in the plastic blue chair as he could and crossed his arms, letting his head fall on James' shoulder as he drifted into a worriless sleep.

"Kendall Knight?" Kendall woke up to the sound of his name being called and James shaking him. "Time to go, bud." He yawned, reaching his arms toward the ceiling before _slowly _standing up, careful not to lose his balance. James and Kendall followed the nurse to the room where Kendall would be staying. She handed him the typical floral print hospital gown. "Put this on and make yourself comfortable. The doctor will be in shortly to perform some tests."

Kendall clenched the gown. "Tests?" He looked over to James with wide green eyes.

"Relax." James forced a smile. "I'll go out front to wait for Logan and Carlos. You just rest for now."

The blond nodded knowing he wouldn't be getting any rest until he knew what kind of tests were going to be performed on him.

James made his way out to the parking lot just in time to see a cab arrive. Logan and Carlos stepped out with worried looks, making their way over to their taller friend. "Is he okay? What's wrong?" Carlos asked nervously. James noticed he had his helmet on.

"The doctors are going to do some tests. He's in his room right now, 511 I think." James explained calmly. It seemed like he was being the only rational one at the moment.

Logan said nothing but made his way toward the room, the two boys following closely behind. The door was open which was unusual for a vacated hospital room. Kendall lay on the bed, curled up on his side with his arms tucked in to his chest, breathing through gasps as he slept.

The three frowned. "He looks uncomfortable." Commented Carlos.

"Yeah, no kidding." Logan shot back. He sat on the edge of the bed, dropping his head in his hands. "Guys, this really doesn't look good."

"Maybe he just has pneumonia." James spoke up, tired of all the negativity. Everything was going to be fine.

Logan groaned, "But what if he doesn't? What are we going to do?"

James marched over to Logan, poking the shorter boy's chest, "_We_ are going to do nothing because Kendall's going to be fine. I've had it with everyone's assumption that this is some deadly illness. Maybe he's just got a bad cold! So quit it with your stupid over analysis and doctor crap. Kendall's fine." The brunette stormed out of the room, fists clenched at his side and teeth grit. He wanted to punch Logan and he knew he would if he didn't remove himself from the situation. He wasn't really mad at Logan. He was mad at everything that was going on. He was mad that Logan might be right.

Kendall might actually die.

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**A/N: Yeah, this was kind of filler-y. I apologize. Next chapter is when things really get good though so keep reading! Question of the day: What is your favorite Big Time Rush song? Mine is Confetti Falling. Leave your answers in the reviews and have a great day! Until next time. **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thank you all for the continued support! A lot of you said you would die if you didn't read chapter five as soon as possible so I'm posting it a bit earlier for everyone so there are no fanfiction related deaths! **

**I'll probably lose a few readers for what's about to happen in this chapter but…I have to do it. So hopefully y'all stick around but if not, that's chill! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush and all typos are because I am exhausted at the moment.**

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Just Breathe

Logan frowned, looking down at his chest where James had jabbed a finger moments before. "What did I do?" He looked up at Carlos with a confused expression.

The Latino shrugged. "He's probably just scared. You know James, he's a drama queen. Just let him work it out on his own, I'm sure he's not actually mad at you."

"I hope that's the case." Logan commented, moving to Kendall's bedside. He was surprised the leader hadn't woken up from James' yelling. He didn't mean to upset the brunette; he was just speaking the truth. As an aspiring doctor, Logan trained himself to look at the worst-case scenario which in this case would be cancer. He knew James thought it too; he just didn't want to entertain the possibility.

Outside, James clenched his jaw trying to hold the unshed tears in his eyes. He didn't need Logan shoving in his face what they were all thinking. He didn't know what he would do if Kendall died. Kendall was his best friend, the leader, his role model. James cared about Kendall. Okay, so maybe cared was a bit of an understatement. James loved Kendall. And not in the friendship, I'd do anything for you kind of love. No, James Diamond was _in love _with Kendall Knight and dammit Kendall was not going to die before he got to tell him.

The pretty boy got to his feet, the cold air biting at his red nose as he made his way back inside. He knew he was being ridiculous and needed to apologize to Logan. He used his size to his advantage, something he knew Logan hated as he'd been bullied a lot by people bigger than him. James walked briskly to room 511, eager to see his friends. When he got there he saw Logan by Kendall's bed, watching the T.V. but glancing at the blond every few seconds and Carlos sitting on the other bed in the room eating something he'd probably smuggled from the cafeteria.

James cleared his throat to get his friend's attention, looking down at his feet sheepishly, "I'm, uh, sorry I blew up at you Logan. I'm just…concerned…for Kendall's health."

Logan smiled softly, making his way over to James. "It's okay man. We're all worried but we're going to make it through this together." He patted the taller boy on the shoulder. "Carlos and I are going to go get more food from the café. Be back in a minute."

The two shorter boys made their way out of the room and James took Logan's place at Kendall's bedside. He looked down at the sleeping figure. Kendall had moved to what seemed to be a more comfortable position, his hands folded beneath his cheeks and his body stretched out on the cot. His breathe still came in short rasps which made James frown. He brushed Kendall's hair off of his forehead. "It's gonna be okay, Kendall. We'll make it through this, all of us, just like Logan said. And in the end, I'll be with you no matter what."

The corner of Kendall's lip twitched before he blinked his eyes open, yawning and sitting up on his elbows. "Where are Carlos and Logan?" He asked sleepily.

James still wore a worried frown, "Getting food. Do you want something?"

Kendall beamed, "I'm good, thanks. So how are you doing?"

"Really, Kendall? You're in the hospital and you ask how _I'm _doing?" James chuckled. "Always the selfless leader."

The blond shrugged. "Look, I know you get worried." He lowered his voice to a whisper, his eyes bloodshot and filling with liquid, "Honestly, James. I'm scared." He blinked, a tear trailing down his face. "I don't want to die. I really don't want to die."

James wrapped his arms around Kendall brushing his tears away with his thumb but new ones just followed. "Hey, hey, hey. Look at me." He grabbed Kendall's chin, forcing the hockey player to look up at him. "I promised you and I meant it – you aren't dying. Not on my watch."

Kendall sniffed, fidgeting with the comforter. He looked back up at James. Those hazel eyes always made him weak in the knees unlike Jo or anyone else had been able to. They were always filled with such emotion, such passion. Right now he saw sadness and worry and he wanted nothing more to make it go away.

So he kissed James.

Maybe it wasn't his best plan, but Kendall wasn't known for great plans; he was known for successful ones. James squeaked in surprise at what just happened. He knew this wasn't right, he wasn't sure this was even what Kendall wanted. He wanted to push the blond away and tell him that but instead his eyes fell shut and he kissed back, their lips moving together like a perfectly choreographed dance.

James pulled away first, panting slightly, cheeks redder than usual. "What was that?"

"I have to second with James. _What was that?_" Another voice spoke up causing Kendall and James to jump.

Logan and Carlos stood in the doorway, Logan frozen and Carlos casually munching on a corndog.

Kendall smiled weakly. He was screwed. _  
_

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**A/N: DUN DUN DUN. I'm sorry but it was already so Kames, I had to make it official. Next chapter is when the testing to diagnose Kendall starts so stick around if you want to find out what's wrong with him! Question of the day: What's your favorite BTR ship? Mine is either Kogan or Kames (obviously). Bye guys!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm so sorry guys for not updating in like three hundred years, I got super sick. But I'm feeling a little better now so I thought I'd write this while I was awake. Again, thank you for all the support and I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush and all typos are the fault of my contacts which are new and awesome but occasionally make things blurry.**

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Just Breathe

The four boys all stared at each other with a mix of confusion and embarrassment. James was the first to speak up. "I kissed Kendall; he had no part in this." He lied, trying to save his friend some trouble. Kendall shot him a grateful glance.

Carlos piped up for the first time since entering the room. "But why?" He asked through a mouth full of chewed corndog.

James rolled his eyes, "Why do you think, idiot?" He grumbled and Kendall chuckled.

Silence fell upon the room, the gears in Carlos' head turning before he shouted, "You like Kendall!"

The tall brunette blushed, "Shut up! If you talk any louder the whole state will hear you!" James shouted back while Carlos snickered.

"Okay, hold up. Am I the only one that's still incredibly confused here?" Logan interjected. Since when was James gay? And how come no one knew he liked Kendall? James was a horrible secret keeper. What was going on with his best friends?

Carlos turned to face Logan, "James likes Kendall so he kissed him." He explained calmly to the shorter boy who was freaking out at this point.

"Don't I get a say in any of this?" Kendall threw his head back on his pillow, exasperated.

Logan frowned turning to the sick blond, "What?"

Kendall twiddled his thumbs, "I like James too." He mumbled, just loud enough for all of them to hear.

"I need a minute." Logan declared, turning on his heel and leaving the room. Carlos shrugged and followed him, looking apologetic.

Kendall turned to James, "You didn't have to do that. Lie, I mean." He wasn't afraid to tell his friends the truth but he knew James would be. He had an image to keep up being the pretty one and the ladies' man. But Kendall? He didn't care what people thought of him. That was why he argued with Gustavo so much about his appearance and attitude about this whole boyband thing. He just didn't care. He was only here for James anyway.

"It's fine," James waved his hand with dismissal, "I don't think Logan's taking it very well though." He tried to act casual about the event that just took place but honestly, he was scared. James never planned to tell anyoneabout his feelings for Kendall and now Logan _and_ Carlos knew. He bit at his lip nervously.

Kendall grabbed James' hand, "Hey, it'll be fine. He just needs time to adjust."

James smiled weakly hoping that was the case. He didn't want his best friends to hate him – he already hated himself enough. His biggest fear was that his friends would leave him or not accept him. It was silly but legitimate in James' mind.

The blond frowned, "Stop worrying. You're not allowed to worry, I'm the one who's about to go be tested on like a lab rat."

James squeezed Kendall's hand, "You'll be fine. You just have to stay positive."

Kendall nodded, dropping his friend's (boyfriend's?) hand when the nurse entered the room. "Time to go, Kendall." She announced way too cheerily for the news she was giving. Kendall waved at James with a smile as followed the nurse out of the room and into a strange lab full of x-ray machines.

"The first test we're going to do is x-ray you're lungs. Just put this lead blanket on your lap and sit very still." The nurse explained. Kendall did as he was told trying not to worry as he knew his breathing would speed up and he'd go into another coughing fit.

When the x-rays were finished the nurse didn't offer to let Kendall see the photos no matter how much he begged. She simply frowned and told him not to worry; always a bad sign.

The next test was an MRI. "Are you sure this is necessary? I think I should just go home, I'm feeling a lot better." Kendall lied upon seeing the machine.

The nurse rolled her eyes, "It's just an MRI, Mr. Knight. You'll be fine. Now lie down right there." She pointed to the machine and Kendall scuffled over to the plastic bed, lying down and closing his eyes, focusing on his strained breathing. Kendall hated closed in spaces, he would even go as far as to say that he was claustrophobic.

After the MRI was the final test which was a tissue sample biopsy.

Kendall heard the nurse talking to someone as they walked to the final room, "We don't administer testing for cancer unless we believe there is a chance it isn't benign because it can expose the patient to harmful risks." Cancer? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kendall couldn't have cancer. Could he? He was freaking out at this point.

He turned to the nurse with a concerned expression, "Cancer? You're testing me for _cancer?_ There must be a mistake because I don't have cancer."

The nurse put a hand on Kendall's shoulder, "Sweetheart, calm down. We're just running some tests. There's no need to panic." Kendall knew she was lying. He had every reason to panic.

The final test involved putting a tube down Kendall's throat, something he shuddered at the thought of. The nurse had given him the option of the tube or a surgical incision so naturally Kendall picked the tube. It was traumatic but over fairly quickly.

"You can go back to your room now, Mr. Knight. We'll have the results in a few days but we want to keep you here until then based on your symptoms." The nurse explained and Kendall nodded. He made his way back to his room, still dressed in the stupid hospital gown. He wanted to go home.

Upon entering his room he saw James sitting on the chair next to his bed biting his nails. He looked up when he heard Kendall enter and made his way over to the teen immediately, "How did it go?" He asked anxiously.

Kendall groaned, "Horrible. They made me lay in a giant circle and shoved a tube down my throat." He collapsed on the bed, exhausted from the day's activities. He just wanted to sleep.

James frowned, his eyebrows creasing with concern, "I'm sorry Kenny." He brushed the blond's hair out of his eyes, kissing his forehead, "Go to sleep, you'll feel better when you wake up."

Kendall nodded, yawning. He remembered what the nurse said and decided he should tell the brunette. "James, I'm scared. They said I might have cancer."

James froze. He'd forgotten that Kendall didn't know about Logan's theory of lung cancer. "They have to check for everything, Ken. I'm sure it's not cancer. Just relax and get some rest."

The blond mumbled an okay, passing out almost immediately. James sat back down in the chair next to Kendall's bed, pulling out his phone and looking up the tests they did on his friend.

They were testing him for lung cancer.

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**A/N: Whelp, that's chapter six. Looks like Kendall might be sicker than we thought. Question of the day: do you guys get sick easily? I do. Leave your answers in the reviews and I'll see you next time!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hey guys! Thank you for all the well wishes, I'm feeling better already! Here's chapter seven just for you :]**

**Disclaimer: I do not own BTR, all typos are my own, yada, yada, yada.**

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Just Breathe

James was freaking out. This couldn't actually be happening; Kendall couldn't actually have lung cancer. The brunette tip-toed out of the room, careful as to not wake up Kendall. He needed to find Logan and tell him immediately. He found the two shorter boys of BTR in the cafeteria, Logan looking stressed out with his head in his hands and Carlos with a hand on his arm like he was comforting him. James acquiescently walked over his band mates. "Hey guys." He slid onto the bench next to Carlos. "So I have some news."

Logan looked up at James with a worried crease in his brow, "What is it now?"

"I looked up the tests they did on Kendall and they're testing him for lung cancer." James spoke quietly as if talking any louder than a whisper might break him.

The young doctor to be put his head back in his hands, "I knew it. I told you guys. What are we going to do? Kendall can't die!" His voice was several octaves higher than usual.

"We just have to stay positive and give Kendall our love and support." Carlos pointed out, looking over at James. "You can give him extra love."

James slapped Carlos on the arm but nodded, "You're right. We just have to remain calm."

The three exchanged worried glances, not speaking their fears out loud in the worry that they might then come true. It truly happened out of nowhere. Maybe not for Kendall, but for his friends who didn't know about his sickness for most of the time he'd had it. They couldn't imagine their lives without their fearless leader.

Logan was the first to speak among the anxious group, "So what was that whole…event…back there?" He questioned, James knowing he was referring to the kiss.

The brunette blushed, looking down at the table, "I honestly don't know."

"It's not that I don't support you guys, I was just not expecting that." Logan replied honestly, shaking his head with astonishment.

Carlos nodded, "Yeah, it's pretty cool actually!"

"Cool?" James questioned, looking at Carlos as if he'd grown a fifth limb.

"Sure, I mean at least there are no more secrets." The Latino answered in his usual perky tone.

James made a sound of agreement.

"I just don't know why you didn't tell us sooner." Logan looked at the pretty boy with confusion and hurt. "Did you not trust us?"

James sighed, knowing this question was coming, "Of course I trust you guys. I was just…afraid, I guess. You know me, I'm kind of dramatic."

Logan laughed, "Kind of? James, we're you're best friends and we always will be. No matter what you are or who you love."

With a beaming smile, James got up, "Thanks guys. I'm gonna go check on Kendall."

Carlos wiggled his eyebrows, "Have fun."

James shot him a glare before making his way back to room 511. He couldn't wait for the lab results but at the same time he didn't want to know the outcome either. He just wanted to go home with his friends and pretend none of this was happening.

He quietly opened the door only to find that Kendall was awake and anxiously biting his nails. He looked to James, "I don't know how much longer I can wait. I need to know, James."

James nodded solemnly, sitting on the edge of Kendall's bed, "It's going to be a few days. Until then, just try to relax."

Kendall sighed. He seemed to think for a moment before looking up at James. "I probably owe you an explanation."

The taller boy chuckled, "Only if you want." Though he had wondered why Kendall kissed him.

Kendall took as deep of a breath as he could, "Well, you just looked really upset and I hate seeing you look that way and I thought maybe if I kissed you then you wouldn't be so sad. But that's not the only reason I did it. I love you, James. I have since, well, since forever. I can't imagine my life without you. Sure, I love Logan and Carlos too but with you, it's different. James, I am completely head-over-heels in love with you and if you want to punch me, now would be a good time." The blond squinted his eyes shut, preparing to be laughed at or rejected.

James couldn't help the smile that tugged on the corner of his lips. "Kendall, I'm not going to hit you; you can open your eyes." Kendall looked at James in surprise, opening his mouth to speak. "Wait. Before you say anything, let me explain. I know I put up this confident, I'm-too-cool act but honestly, none of it matters when I'm around you. Because with you, I can be myself and you still want me around. You make me happy when I'm sad and you make me want to be a better person. I love you too, Kendall."

The hockey player smiled, grabbing James around the neck and pulling him down to kiss him. It was short and sweet, chaste. Nothing like the first kiss but it meant so much more. James smiled against Kendall's lips, pulling away.

James lay on the bed next to Kendall, staring at the tears welling up in the emerald eyes looking back at him. "I don't want to lose this. You. James, I don't want to die."

This was the first time Kendall had cried in years. He let the tears fall, knowing he was safe around James. The taller boy wrapped his arms around Kendall. "It's okay." He repeated those two words over and over not knowing what else to say. He hadn't seen Kendall cry since he was eight years old.

Kendall snuggled into James' chest, James resting his chin on Kendall's head. He closed his eyes, pretending he was at home in his own bed. He hoped James was right. He hoped everything would be okay. Hope was pretty much all he had left these days.

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**A/N: A bit of a filler chapter, sorry about that :/ Next chapter we'll find out Kendall's test results! Question of the day: what is your favorite genre of writing? Mine is probably angst. Leave your answers in the reviews! Even if I don't answer you, I read every single review and I'm thankful for all of them – they make my day C:**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: So I've been obsessed with the song Never Gonna Leave This Bed by Maroon 5 which partly inspired this chapter's events. Thanks for the reviews, favorites, and follows! For those wondering, this story did get deleted - I meant to delete a different one and I accidentally deleted this one. I did recover it but it didn't recover all the alerts so if you're not receiving alerts for each new chapter I apologize!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything mentioned that might get me sued. Seriously, I'm 14, I just want to write gay fanfiction.**

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Just Breathe

Two days had gone by since the tests and Kendall was ready for the results. He had bitten all his nails to the fingertip and chewed his lip until it bled with worry. The boys had called Mama Knight who was on her way with Katie now as Kendall didn't feel well enough to fly home.

"Ken, relax. They said they'll have the results in just a moment." James reassured, his fingers intertwined with Kendall's in an attempt to calm the nervous teen.

Kendall took a strained, shaky breath. "James, if I...if I have cancer...will you still love me?" The blond asked nervously, prepared for the worst.

James bent his eyebrows in confusion, "Of course I'd still love you Kendall, don't be stupid. We'll get through this together. He rubbed his thumb in circular motions against the back of Kendall's hand. He knew the leader worried just about as much as him if not more. But it was true, they would get through this together. They had gone through much before and this was no different.

Kendall smiled shyly at the brunette as Logan and Carlos entered the room.

"We smuggled you a corn dog. Well, I did." Carlos bounded over to Kendall, proudly handing him the food. "They make everything better."

Kendall laughed, "Thanks buddy." Although he wasn't feeling hungry, he took a bite out of the carnival treat anyway.

A knock at the door got all of the boys' attention. "Hello, Mr. Knight. We have your test results."

Kendall squeezed James' hand anxiously, "Hit me."

The nurse smiled wistfully, "I'm afraid to say that you have stage 1A T1N0M0 lung cancer. We have to look at the positives here though. It's non-small cell lung cancer which means that it spreads slower than small cell lung cancer. The T1 refers to the size of the tumor which is less than three centimeters and the N0 and M0 mean the cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes and there is no metastasis. Plus, you're only at stage one and while the typical lung cancer life expectancy is not long, stage one is much easier to try and treat. Younger people tend to live longer as well. The survival rate is roughly 70%. Kendall, I'd say the odds are on your side. We'll talk treatment options when your mother arrives." After her speech, the nurse ducked her head, leaving the room quickly. Giving bad news was never easily.

The four boys were dead silent.

Kendall Knight had lung cancer.

How could this happen? This couldn't be happening.

The leader could feel tears burning in his eyes. He didn't want to cry in front of his best friends but he was terrified. His hands were shaking and his breath was coming in quick gasps.

"Kendall, you need to relax before you have a panic attack. That wouldn't be good with your condition." Logan offered quietly.

"Fuck my condition!" Kendall shouted loud enough to wake up the entire hospital. "I'm dying Logan! I think I deserve to panic!"

Logan winced at Kendall's tone. Carlos frowned sitting on the second bed in the room and crossing his legs with his hands in his lap. He didn't know how to react, he just wanted Kendall to live. He wasn't overly intelligent but he knew what cancer meant.

James looked at Kendall's watering eyes, "Kendall, Logan's right. You need to relax. The nurse said something about treatment - that means you're going to get better."

Kendall looked at James with panicked, wide eyes, "I'm dying. Only 70% of people live and knowing me, I'll be in the minority. James, just give it up. Leave now while you can. All of you. It's over for me." The blond dropped his head in his hands.

Logan rolled his eyes. "Kendall, you're being a drama queen. The odds of survival and recovery are really, really good here. You just need to stay positive. You don't need psychosomatic symptoms as well."

James looked confused, "Psychosomatic?"

"It means it's all in your head. Like when you lost your swag." Logan explained and James nodded understandingly.

The pretty boy looked back over at Kendall, "I'm going to help you, Kendall. I'm not leaving you, I love you. We'll do whatever we have to do to get you better. You're worth it, Ken."

Kendall sniffed, "Guys, I'm scared."

Carlos jumped up from his spot and walked over to Kendall, contorting his body to wrap his arms around the sick teen. "James is right. You are worth it and we're all going to stay here with you until you get better."

"But what if I don't get better?" Kendall asked, his voice a few octaves higher than normal.

"Shut up." James snapped. He sighed, "I'm sorry. But you're going to get better, don't talk like that."

Kendall simply nodded but inside he wasn't so sure.

The nurse poked her head back in before the conversation could go any further, "Visiting hours are over boys. You need to go back to your hotel now."

Logan and Carlos nodded, gathering their things.

"I'm not leaving." James declared. He had left the previous nights to get some sleep but he couldn't leave Kendall now. Not after his diagnosis. He needed to stay with him.

The nurse sighed, knowing she had to pick her battles. "Fine. Just don't get caught by anyone, we can't have people know we're making exceptions."

James nodded, saying goodbye to Logan and Carlos before telling Kendall to scoot and lying next to him in the uncomfortable hospital bed. He wrapped his arms around Kendall's waist, resting his forehead between the shorter boy's shoulder blades. "Try to get some sleep tonight, okay?" He mumbled.

Kendall turned over in James' arms so he was facing the other teen. He stared at James' tired hazel eyes, "You too." He pressed a quick kiss to James' lips before curling up to his chest and falling asleep instantly.

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**A/N: I am such a sucker for cuddling, can you tell? Question of the day: Do you wear glasses, contacts or neither? I am in love with my new contacts - goodbye glasses! As always, leave your answers in the reviews and I'll see y'all next time!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thank you guys for the reviews! Today has been dragging on forever. UGH. So, I'm doing this cosplay and it involves tattoos so I was practicing them (with an ink pen, relax!) and it got all over me while I was sleeping. Whoops.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush and all typos are my own.**

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Just Breathe

Kendall awoke the next morning wrapped around James, their limbs intertwined. He untangled himself from the taller boy and stretched his arms toward the sky with a yawn. Mrs. Knight was supposed to arrive today with Katie so they could talk about treatment options. Kendall lay back on the bed looking at the sleeping body beside him. James was always so peaceful when asleep, his breath coming in easy inhales and exhales with the rise and fall of his chest. His eyelids fluttered and he scrunched his nose, turning around and curling up.

Cancer. It was unbelievable. Surreal. It was still sinking in, really. That maybe, just maybe, Kendall might die. That, no matter what treatment they do, they cancer might not go away or come back. It was a lifelong curse he'd just been diagnosed with.

A knock at the door startled the teen out of his thoughts.

Kendall leaned over, shaking James' shoulder. "James." He hissed, "Wake up."

"Ugh." James groaned, rolling over and throwing an arm around Kendall's waist. "Later."

Logan and Carlos peaked their heads through the door, walking in when they saw Kendall was awake. The blond blushed at his and James' position while Carlos just chuckled. "Sleep well?"

"Shut up." Kendall shot back, attempting to sit up under James' grasp.

Logan was the only one to remain serious, "Have you heard anything from the nurse or your mom?"

Kendall shook his head, "Not from the nurse. But my mom texted me, she should be here by like, one o'clock."

The young doctor nodded, sitting in the chair next to Kendall's bed. He looked at the two entangled teens. "You really like him, huh?" Logan wondered curiously.

Kendall blushed furiously suddenly becoming interested in a loose thread on the cheap hospital sheets. "Yeah," He mumbled, "I dunno. I mean, I do know. I sort of love him." The blond finally confessed.

Logan's eyes widened, "Wow. That's...wow. How long? Have you liked him, I mean. Or, loved him."

"Since seventh grade."

"Seventh grade? Jeez, Kendall. Why didn't you say something earlier?" Logan wondered, Carlos listening in on the conversation from the other side of the room. He pretended to be watching a game on the television mounted on the wall.

"I figured you guys would hate me for liking a dude. I mean, that's pretty gay." Logan chuckled. "Plus, it's James. He's all of our friends. I don't know, I just was scared I guess." Kendall explained, fidgeting with his thumbs.

Logan smiled, "The great Kendall Knight, afraid of his own friends. Figures."

Kendall smacked Logan on the arm, "Don't be a Carlos."

"I heard that!" Carlos shouted from across the room and the three laughed.

James stirred in his sleep, stretching and opening his eyes to Kendall's smiling face. "Morning." He greeted with a grin of his own.

Kendall looked down at the brunette, "Look who decided to join the living." He smiled shyly looking down at his waist where James' hand was still wrapped protectively. James blushed, pulling his hand back and looking over at Logan and Carlos.

"I'm hungry." Carlos moaned from across the room, flopping around dramatically on the bed.

Logan rolled his eyes, "To the cafe. You coming James?"

James shook his head. "Bring me some cereal?"

"You got it!" Carlos promised, bounding out the door with a tired looking Logan following.

James turned back over to look at Kendall who was watching him. "How are you?"

Kendall frowned, "Worried."

The brunette propped himself up on his elbow, "Talk to me about it."

"I just don't want to die. I had this who image in my head of how my life was going to go. I was going to get married, have kids, a dog, a house. I was going to be a hockey player then retire and spend the rest of my life at home with whoever I married arguing about politics and eating dinner at four thirty in the afternoon. Just a normal life. And I can't have that now." Kendall explained growing upset.

James sat up with a serious look on his face. "Don't talk like that. You will have all of those things that you just mentioned. You will have a normal life. This treatment is going to work and you'll get better and we'll finish our tour and go home. Then in five years we can look back on this and be like "wow, remember that time when you were in the hospital in England and Carlos and Logan ate the entire cafeteria?". I promise."

Kendall smiled, leaning forward to press a kiss to James' temple. "I love you."

"I love me too." James giggled when Kendall gave him a 'seriously' look. "I love you too, Kendall. You know that."

"I do." Kendall smiled. "Don't look now but you're hair is insane." He chuckled.

James gasped throwing a hand up to his head and trying to comb through his hair with his fingers. Kendall caught his hand and lowered it, "Don't. It's cute."

The two heard another knock at the door and sighed. "Come in."Kendall answered a bit harsher than he intended.

Mrs. Knight and Katie entered the room and James scrambled to get away from Kendall, tripping over the sheets and falling on his face on the white hospital floors that smelled of bleach. "Ow." He groaned.

The two girls threw him a weird look before turning their attention to Kendall. Mrs. Knight rushed over to his bedside, wrapping her arms around her son and kissing his cheek over and over. "Oh, Kendall. I'm so sorry, baby. It's okay, I'm here now."

Kendall blushed pushing his mother away. "Moooooom." He groaned.

"Kendaaaaall." Mrs. Knight copied Kendall's tone with a smile before sitting on the edge of his bed. Katie sat next to James on the other bed.

"So what's the deal with you and Kendall?" She whispered to James, throwing him a knowing look.

James seemed to debate telling her before giving in. Katie was smart enough, she'd just end up figuring it out on her own. "Kendall and I are dating. Don't tell your mom though, I'm not sure if he wants her to know."

Katie nodded, "About time. What about Carlos and Logan?"

"They know." James confirmed.

"So, have you spoke with the nurses yet?" Mrs. Knight asked Kendall worriedly, interrupting James and Katie's conversation.

Kendall fell back against his pillow. "Yeah, they said they were going to talk to you about the treatment options."

Mrs. Knight stood, grabbing her purse. "I'm going to go talk with them. You just stay here and rest." She kissed her son's forehead before dashing out the door in search of a nurse.

"I'm so tired of 'just resting'." Kendall complained.

Not thirty minutes later, Mrs. Knight was back with Logan and Carlos a concerned look on her face and a crease in her brow.

"What is it mom?" Kendall sat up quickly, grabbing his head when he became dizzy.

Mrs. Knight sat in the chair next to Kendall's bed looking deep in thought. "It's either surgery, VATS or radio therapy."

James looked confused, "VATS?"

Logan nodded, "It's a surgical procedure where they use a camera and other instruments to remove the tumor. It sounds bad but it's actually less invasive than surgery."

Kendall looked dazed. He was _not _having surgery. "What about the radio therapy?"

Mrs. Knight sighed, "It's not recommenced if you can do the surgery. Kendall, honey, it's up to you. The radiation is more of a second option though."

The blond dropped his head in his hands. Lung cancer and now surgery. Great.

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**A/N: I hate endings and endings hate me. The next chapter will be Kendall's decision! The question of the day: What is your favorite season? Mine is fall. Leave your answers in the reviews and I'll see you all later!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks for all the support guys!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own BTR and all typos are my own.**

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_Just Breathe_

"I guess I'll go with the surgery." Kendall declared after several minutes of silence.

Mrs. Knight nodded solemnly, "I'll let the nurse know." She left the room to notify the nurses of Kendall's decision, leaving just the guys and Katie alone.

Kendall looked to James immediately for comfort, "What if I die?" He whispered, tears gathering in his eyes.

James walked over to Kendall wrapping his arms around the shorter boy, "You won't die. People get surgery all the time. And if you do, you'll be asleep. You won't even know."

Kendall groaned into James' bicep, "That wasn't comforting."

The brunette rolled his eyes, "Scoot over."

Kendall did as told and James sat next to him, an arm still around his shoulder. "You're not going to die. I just know it. I have a feeling that it's all going to work out. The surgery will go smoothly and before you know it we'll be back on our tour."

Kendall leaned his head on James' shoulder. "I hope you're right."

Mrs. Knight returned then but Kendall didn't bother to move. She shot the boys a weird look but decided to not to question it. "Katie and I should head back to the hotel. Will you guys be okay here?"

The four boys nodded, a chorus of yes' sounding throughout the room. Mrs. Knight collected Katie and with a kiss to Kendall's forehead, she was gone.

"You know, the surgery is highly successful." Logan spoke up, looking up from his phone where he had clearly been researching. "You have nothing to worry about Kendall."

Carlos jumped up, "Yeah, and we'll be right there when you wake up."

Kendall looked to James, "Will you?"

James grabbed his hand, "I promise."

The nurse entered the room then. "Alright Kendall, we're ready to start the surgery when you are."

Kendall looked at the encouraging faces of his friends and his boyfriend before looking back at the nurse. He nodded his head confidently. "I'm ready."

The three stepped away from the bed while the nurse began to prepare it to be wheeled to the O.R..

"It's going to go great Kendall, I know it." James spoke quietly so just the blond could hear. He leaned down pressing his lips to Kendall's quickly, ignoring the disapproving glare from the nurse. "I'll see you in a few."

Kendall waved goodbye as he was wheeled out of the room, feeling like he was going off to war.

James, Carlos and Logan waited in Kendall's room while the surgery was being performed. Occasionally a nurse would come in to inform them that the surgery was going well or that something occurred and it would take another half hour. Finally, after three hours of pacing, nail biting and lip chewing, it was over.

"Kendall's surgery is over. It went perfectly fine. He's in the PACU now. He's still a little tired from the anesthesia." The nurse informed. "We were able to successfully remove the cancer however that doesn't eliminate the chance of it returning however that's only at 30%."

The three boys cheered in unison before heading down to see Kendall. He was propped up by several pillows though his head still fell to the side as he snored. James was the first to his side, gripping Kendall's hand. He gently kissed it, whispering of a prayer of thanks to whoever was up there watching out for Kendall.

The blond stirred, groaned as his eyelids fluttered open. The first person he saw was James followed by Carlos then Logan. He blinked slowly, things coming into focus. "Am I alive?"

James laughed, "You are. I told you." He gloated.

Kendall smiled but it quickly faded. "What about the cancer?"

"Successfully removed." Logan answered with a sideways grin. He didn't mention the chances that it could return. Kendall didn't need to worry right now.

Kendall sighed with relief. He was alive. He was going to live. They were going to finish their world tour, he and James were going to go on a first date, he was going to see Australia. Realizing he was going to live was almost as surreal as being diagnosed. Kendall rubbed at his eyes. He was still a bit confused from the anesthesia. His brain was foggy and he was having trouble articulating his thoughts.

"Can I see your stitches?" Carlos asked excitedly to which Logan slapped him.

Kendall chuckled but quickly stopped, grabbing at his chest. Apparently laughing wasn't good. He made a mental note to not laugh. "Maybe later."

The Latino grinned. "Cool."

"Well guys, we should probably let Kendall rest." Logan offered, knowing his friend was tired by the look in his eyes.

Carlos nodded, "Let's get something to eat!"

Logan rolled his eyes, "Surprising suggestion, Carlos. We'll be in the cafe." The two took off leaving Kendall and James alone.

James smiled at Kendall who was struggling to stay awake, "Go to sleep. I'll still be here when you wake up."

Kendall nodded sleepily, "I love you."

James kissed his temple, "I love you too."

It was several hours later when Kendall awoke again, this time to the guys and his Mom and Katie. "Oh honey, you're awake!" Mrs. Knight gushed, grabbing her son's face between her hands and kissing his head multiple times.

Kendall squirmed out of her grasp, sending a silent help to his friends who just laughed. "Hi Mom."

Katie rolled her eyes. "Hello to you too."

The blond turned to his little sister, "Hey Katie." He looked around at all the people he was surrounded by. All these people loved him and cared about him. He was only able to get through this because of them. His three best friends truly were there for him through everything. He couldn't be more thankful for the people in his life. He looked to James, sending the silent question he knew James would understand.

The tall brunette nodded and Kendall made a sound of agreement before looking to his mom. "Mom, there's something I need to tell you."

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**A/N: Dun dun dun. Shorter chapter, I know, sorry. Next chapter we find out Mrs. Knight's reaction to Kendall and James' relationship! Oh and I'm writing a Kogan roadtrip fic, so check it out if that's your kind of thing. :)**

**See you guys next time! (Oh my gosh, only a few more chapters left! Help me reach my goal of 100 reviews?)**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Hey guys! To the anon that asked why I re-uploaded this chapter - FanFiction is going through some changes or something right now and there was like, an error message saying it didn't upload correctly so if you got two email alerts I apologize, there's been some problems with the website the past few days. Also, I haven't been getting e-mail alerts so if you haven't either don't worry about it, it's just the website. Anyway, here's chapter 11!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own BTR, all events are purely fictional, all typos are my own - you know the drill.**

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_Just Breathe_

_"Mom, there's something I need to tell you."_

Mrs. Knight looked concerned, "What is it sweetie? Are you okay?"

Kendall nodded, "I'm fine, Mom." He looked at James as he spoke, never breaking eye contact. "James and I are dating."

James stepped out from behind Mrs. Knight and put an arm around Kendall, "I promise Mrs. Knight, I would never hurt your son. I love him."

Mrs. Knight seemed frozen, the only shocked one in the room. She looked from Kendall to James and back to Kendall who seemed content with the taller boy's arm around him. She sighed, "Can't say I'm that surprised."

Kendall looked to her worriedly, his heart racing. "But are you okay with it?"

She smiled, "Of course. You're my son and I love you. Just be safe."

Kendall blushed furiously which amused James, "Mom, stop."

Mrs. Knight rolled her eyes, "Fine. Katie and I will go now. We'll visit you later, okay?"

"Okay. Bye." Kendall said eagerly. He waited until the two girls had left the room to let out the breath he'd been holding in. He noted in the back of his mind that he could breathe much easier now. He wasn't gasping for air anymore or wheezing.

"Well that went better than I expected." James commented with a shrug. The four boys laughed.

It was silent for a moment before Kendall spoke. "So what now?"

"Well, you can go home whenever you feel like it. You're all better, Mr. Knight." A nurse spoke up from the other side of the room.

Kendall's eyes widened, "Seriously? I can leave right now?"

She nodded.

Kendall practically jumped out of the hospital bed. "Let's go guys!"

The nurse grabbed Kendall's arm. "You need to be careful so you don't rip your stitches. No performing for at least two months."

The blond nodded solemnly. Of course he wasn't going to actually listen to the nurse. He was performing ASAP - he couldn't let his fans down. Their first concert of the tour was tomorrow night and he was getting on that stage. He hadn't practiced for months for nothing.

As soon as Kendall was dressed in his typical flannel and jeans he was discharged from the hospital. The four boys exited the building with a sigh of relief. "I can't believe it." Carlos commented as they made their way toward the car.

"Believe what?" Logan wondered as he got into the driver's seat which still confused him as it was on the opposite side as in America.

"After everything we're just walking away like nothing ever happened." Carlos explained. "I honestly didn't think it would end this way."

Kendall got into the backseat with James and rolled his eyes. "Glad to know you had faith in me." He commented sarcastically. James grabbed his hand intertwining their fingers and Kendall smiled to himself.

They arrived at the hotel shortly after leaving the hospital. Kendall sat on his bed looking seriously at his friends, "I'm going on stage tomorrow night guys."

Logan's eyebrows shot up, "No, no, no. You're stitches need to heal. You could land yourself right back in the hospital Kendall."

The hockey player groaned, "I'll be fine, _mom._ I'm not gonna let our fans down."

James sat next to Kendall, looking him in the eyes, "Dude, I don't think that's a good idea. We can push back the tour dates. I don't want you to get hurt."

Kendall sighed. They had been planning this tour for almost a year now and practiced days on end to perfect everything. He had worked his butt off. Although this wasn't his dream it _was _James' and he wasn't going to let him down nor was he going to disappoint his fans who had bought out the arena. "I'll be fine. Please let me do this." He put on his best puppy dog eyes and pushed out his lower lip. It was part of the Knight charm.

James threw his head back, "Ugh! Fine. But if you get hurt I'll never forgive you."

"Then I promise not to get hurt." Kendall replied, pecking James' cheek before standing, "Don't worry about me guys. We'll give London the best dang show they've ever seen!"

Tomorrow night turned into tonight quickly and the boys were onstage in front of an empty arena setting up their equipment. Fans were set to arrive in roughly an hour and they still had to run through the entire show. Everything was going smoothly until it came time for the trampoline.

"Dogs! It's time for the trampoline! This part is dangerous so don't break anything!" Gustavo shouted over the blaring music. The four boys gave him a thumbs up before beginning their dance.

James and Logan went first doing their back flips. Carlos was next doing a spin in the air and landing safely on the platform. Kendall was last. He improvised and trick and landed on the platform with a sharp pain by his ribs. He winced but continued with the dance until the end of the song. He looked down at his chest to notice blood had soaked through his shirt.

His stitches.

"Guys! We might have a bit of a problem."

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**A/N: Whelp, that's chapter 11. My goal is to get to 100 reviews by chapter 15. Think you guys could help me out? Just click that button below and tell me what you thought! The question of the day is: can you do a back flip? I can't but I wish I could. Let me know and I'll see you next time!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews guys! We're getting close to 100! **

**Disclaimer: I'd rather be sued than type this one more time. But for real, don't sue me. I'm a 14 year old girl who just wants to write gay fanfiction.**

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_Just Breathe_

Kendall fell to his knees clutching at his side. Blood poured out onto his hands as he struggled to breathe. James rushed to the fallen teen's side, "Kendall?!"

The blond waved him away trying to stand. "I'm fine." He lied. He stood for a moment but collapsed again. His vision was starting to blot out from the pain.

"Gustavo, call an ambulance!" James shouted out over the blaring music.

The last thing Kendall remembered seeing was James' face before everything went black.

When he finally came to he recognized the bleached white walls and shining fluorescent lights of the hospital. Kendall groaned. Not here again. He knew he had ripped his stitches open but he thought he was fine.

"You lost a lot of blood young man." A man stepped into the room with a name tag that read Doctor Michaels. "You're lucky you got here in time."

"I guess." Kendall sighed. All he could think about was the concert. All those fans let down because he had to go and get lung cancer. They had bought tickets and planned for this day and now it was canceled.

Doctor Michaels pressed his lips together, "A lot of people in your place would be dead right now. Be grateful you're even alive Kendall." With that he left Kendall alone with his thoughts.

The blond supposed he was lucky to be alive. Still - James' dream had to be put on hold because of him. That wasn't fair.

A knock at the door pulled him out of his thoughts. "Come in." Kendall shouted as loud as he could causing a pain in his lungs. He assumed they re-stitched him up as he wasn't bleeding anymore.

James entered with a fragile smile and an envelope in his hand. He sat down in the chair next to Kendall. "Back so soon."

Kendall rolled his eyes, "I know. I'm so sick of this place."

The pretty boy chuckled and handed Kendall the envelope. "This is, uh, for you. From us. Me, Logan and Carlos I mean."

Kendall pursed his lips as he opened the saliva-sealed envelope. That always grossed him out. The card read Get Well Soon and had a guitar on it. Kendall smiled and opened it open. Inside was empty except for the writing from his three best friends.

Logan's sloppy doctor handwriting read, "Feel better soon Kindle - no more performing for two months, doctor's orders."

Carlos' childish scribbles said, "Kendall! Hope you heal quickly buddy! I'll get you a corndog."

Finally, James' writing read, "Kendall. You really scared me. You have to be more careful. It's not just you who would be affected if you died, you know. I love you."

Kendall smiled, closing the card and leaning over to hug James. "I love you too." He mumbled into the brunette's shoulder. "I promise to be more careful."

James shook his head, "I knew you shouldn't have gone out on stage, Kendall, you could have died."

"I didn't want to let you down. This is your _dream _James. I ruined it." Kendall spoke with the tone of a child who just got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"You're so stupid! Kendall, my dream is not more important than your health." James sighed, exasperated.

Kendall frowned. "I'm sorry. You realize we have to cancel the tour now? Or at least push it off another two months."

James shrugged, "So what? As long as you heal we could push off the tour for a year. However long it takes I'm willing to wait."

Kendall nodded. "When do I get to leave?"

"They said you could leave a soon as you feel up to it as long as you don't perform. The already spoke with Gustavo and your mom." James explained.

Kendall sat up slowly testing his injury. He decided that he could move and stood to get dressed. "How is she? My Mom."

James thought for a moment. "She's cool. It took her some time to warm up to the idea of me as your boyfriend though. Katie lectured me about how if I ever hurt you she'd hurt me. The usual."

Kendall laughed. "Yup, sounds about right." He reached for James' hand which the singer took. "Let's get out of here."

"Agreed."

The two arrived back at the hotel where Logan and Carlos were packing their things. Kendall sighed at the sight and James squeezed his hand. "Guess we're going home."

Carlos nodded placing his helmet on his head. "It's cool, man. Kelly pushed back all the tour dates two months."

"Yeah, Gustavo seemed fairly calm about it too." Logan added while sitting on top of his bursting suitcase while Carlos zipped it closed.

Kendall smiled. He knew his friends were disappointed but the fact that they cared enough about him to wait until he was well enough to perform meant a lot.

Kelly had booked them a flight back to LA for a quarter after five which they barely made it to the gate for. Mrs. Knight and Katie sat together, Logan and Carlos and Kendall and James. Kendall opened his scuttlebutter app and sent out a message explaining to fans what happened at that he was sorry. A flood of replies telling him to get better and how it was okay rushed back and he grinned showing James.

"I told you." James replied with a smile of his own. He was glad that the Rusher's were okay with the tour dates being pushed back.

"You did." Kendall agreed, resting his head on James' shoulder. He closed his eyes listening to the quiet hum of the plan as he thought about how lucky he truly was.

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**A/N: Today's question of the day! Have you ever been on a plane? I haven't. They look terrifying. Leave your answers in the reviews! This story is coming to a close sadly. More will be on the way though so make sure to follow me! **


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Ugh this chapter has caused me a lot of trouble. Let's try this one more time. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own BTR, all events are purely fictional and all typos are my own.**

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_Just Breathe_

It had been six months since Kendall was first diagnosed with and treated for stage one lung cancer. Things were going well for Big Time Rush. They were in the middle of their sold out world tour and it had been going great. That is, until Kendall started coughing again.

It started out during a concert. He figured it was just a sore throat from all the singing and drank some water. The coughing stopped. But, soon, it started up again. Eventually he was experiencing sleepless nights due to coughing fits where he was hacking up blood.

Kendall had just finished a coughing fit, his breathing coming is gasps and his face red with lack of oxygen, when he decided it was time to tell someone. He shook James' shoulder carefully trying to wake him. "James." He hissed.

James stirred in his sleep, Kendall's heavy breathing the only sound on the tour bus as it was deep in the night and everyone else was asleep. He sat up rubbing at his eyes. "What is it Ken?" He asked as he attempted to focus.

"I'm coughing up blood again." Kendall admitted quietly. James' eyes widened and he sat up straighter.

"How long has this been happening?" James asked immediately knowing Kendall had probably kept his ailment a secret just as he had last time.

Kendall sighed, "Only a few days. What if the cancer came back?" James could see Kendall's fear-stricken eyes in the night, the only source of light the moon shining through the curtains. James knew he had to remain calm for Kendall even though he was panicking as well. Logan had told him that the cancer could return.

James grabbed Kendall's hand, "Look. Maybe you're just sick. Why don't we go to the doctor before we make any more assumptions?"

Kendall nodded. He headed back toward his own bed but James caught his arm. "Why don't you stay with me tonight?"

The blond blushed but climbed into the bunk bed next to James cuddling up next to his side and resting his head on the taller boy's chest. He resisted the urge to cough as he drifted off to sleep.

When Kendall woke up the next morning James was still sleeping soundly underneath him. Kendall untangled himself from James and stretched toward the ceiling. He moved aside the curtain and made his way into the living room part of the bus where Logan and Carlos sat watching a game on television. He tapped Logan on the shoulder. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

Logan looked concerned but gave Carlos the "one second" finger and followed Kendall to the kitchenette.

"So I started coughing up blood again." Kendall admitted, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.

The young doctor's eyebrows shot toward the sky, "Kendall! This is bad! We need to get you to a doctor today."

Kendall winced at Logan's harsh tone, "I know, I know. I told James last night, he said the same thing."

"I'll tell the bus driver." Logan headed toward the front of the bus. Kendall turned around and ran into James.

The brunette wrapped his arms around Kendall, "Don't worry, okay? I'm sure it's nothing."

Kendall buried his face in James' shoulder, "Coughing up blood isn't nothing James."

James sighed heavily, "Shut up Kendall."

They arrived at nearest hospital later in the afternoon. James, Carlos and Logan sat with Kendall in the waiting room until he was called back.

"What's the problem Kendall?" The nurse asked as she led him toward the x-ray room.

"I was diagnosed with lung cancer half a year ago and had surgery to remove the tumor. I think it may have come back." Kendall explained trying to sound professional.

The nurse nodded solemnly. "I'm sorry to hear that. We're just going to run some tests to let you know for sure."

When the tests were over Kendall was released. They were going to call him back in a few days when they had the results but he was not to perform until then.

As the four exited the building Kendall sighed, "At least we only have one more show. I can handle it."

James narrowed his eyes stepping in front of Kendall, "Last time you thought you could go on stage you almost bled out. No way you're going on this time."

"James please! I'm not being held together by stitches this time. I have a cough. Let me go on." Kendall pleaded knowing that arguing with James would get him no where.

James crossed his arms a pout forming on his lips. "Fine. But if you get hurt we're done."

Kendall rolled his eyes. James was forever a drama queen. "Thank you." He forced a smile despite his pissed off mood.

The concert went smoothly with only one interruption. Kendall had to leave stage during City is Ours from coughing too much but after some water he was able to go back on and finish the concert. The fans were understanding much to everyone's surprise.

That night Kendall lay in bed and thought about everything that had happened. In the past half of a year he had been gone on a world tour, been diagnosed with cancer, treated for cancer and tested again, for cancer. He stare up at his ceiling wondering what he had done to deserve this. Maybe it was from pulling Jenny Tinkler's hair in third grade. Or that fight with Carlos that lasted a month when he stole his corn dog at lunch in middle school.

Whatever the reason, Kendall felt like he deserved a little self-pity at the moment. He couldn't have cancer again. The odds that they could treat it the first time around were good but what about the second? It was as if the universe _wanted _him to die. He turned on his side facing away from the rest of the band and let a single tear fall out. This was the world world tour ever.

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**A/N: I bet you all saw that coming. Ugh I feel like this chapter is horrible but I've re-written it so many times and I just can't get it right. The next chapter will be better. Question of the day! Have you guys seen every episode of Big Time Rush? I have expect for a few but I'm catching up! Leave your answers in the reviews - help me get to 100! We're so close Rusher's, let's do this!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews guys! We're almost at one-hundred! This is the last chapter sadly. There might be an epilogue if enough people want one. It is substantially shorter as I've simply run out of stuff to do with this story. More stories will be on the way though so follow me!**

**A/N 10.15.13: I reposted this chapter because I made some major changes to it. Also, in case there's any confusion, I am also malinab32 on AO3 where this story is posted as well.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, all events are fictional, all typos are my own.**

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_Just Breathe_

It had been two days since the tests when Kendall received a phone call from the hospital. He shushed his friends and left the room before answered the ringing cell. "Hello?"

The doctor on the other end of the phone had a scruffy voice and Kendall pictured him tall and scary looking with muscles and a beard. "Kendall. Great news, you just have pneumonia. It's common after having lung cancer, you just have to be more careful than the average person. We filled a prescription for you so you can go to your nearest pharmacy and pick up the medication. It's just penicillin as well as an inhaler in case you have any trouble breathing. You're lucky Kendall - you could have had quite the scare. If you're condition worsens you will need to come in though."

Kendall breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you so much doctor." He hung up and went back into the living room portion of the bus where the television and couches were stored. "Good news guys! It's just pneumonia."

James, Logan and Carlos cheered. "This calls for a celebratory game of honk bonk!" Carlos shouted, jumping up and hovering a fist in front of Kendall's arm.

The blonder lowered Carlos' fist with a smile. "Maybe later."

Carlos nodded and wandered off toward the kitchen.

James took two big steps toward Kendall and wrapped him in a bone crushing hug. "You have got to stop almost dying."

Kendall laughed as he wrapped his arms around James. "I'm trying man."

Logan inched out of the room leaving James and Kendall to their moment.

With their tour over and the boys back in 2J it was almost as if none of it had ever happened. Kendall decided not to tell Mama Knight about his pneumonia even after it went away as he decided she had her share of worry in the past few months. She warmed up to the idea of James as his boyfriend for which Kendall was eternally grateful. He couldn't imagine the awkwardness that would have occurred had his mother not approved.

Since the guys were out of school now they spent their days at Rocque Records either practicing their dancing with Mr. X or recording songs for their next album with Gustavo. Things were looking up for their career as a band and the four as friends.

They stayed in the Palmwoods despite their rising fame. They still hung out with Jo, Camille, the Jennifer's, Guitar Dude, Tyler - all of their friends. Kendall and James had been together for almost a year and Logan and Camille were currently on-again. As for Carlos, he was happily pining after the Jennifer's. Which one? He wasn't sure yet.

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**A/N:The end! Question of the day: Did you like the story? Leave your answers in a review and thanks so much for sticking with me throughout this literary adventure!**


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